Two Sevens Consulting

I have been saying for a long time that a much simpler definition of the four seasons would benefit those of us who care about such things.  And fortunately, today is a perfect day to explain my theory of how the seasons should be, because, eh hmm, it’s the first day of Summer (by my theory anyway). Granted, I doubt I’m the first to come up with such a simple scheme, but I’ve not read this stuff anywhere else, so I’ll just claim authorship of the idea and hope I don’t get sued.

There are twelve months in a year.  There are four seasons in a year.  Four divides into twelve evenly (how convenient).  Thus, each of the four seasons should be exactly three months in duration.  Let’s start from the beginning.

Spring – March 1 – May 31
In Ohio, Spring can be  (and usually is) finicky.  I’ve seen 70-degree weather, as well as snow, in all three of these months during the 42 years that I’ve lived in the Midwest (and dammit, I wish they would stop including Ohio in the Midwest.  This is the lower end of the Northeast, and now I think I might have material for another blog entry).  Still, Winter has usually come to a close by March, and one starts to feel refreshed and alive–or at least, the feeling of urgency to clean out the garage.  Why wait until all the snow is gone?  Start now!  Perhaps our reluctance to continue Winter will force the bad weather to subside.  And to quench your thirst on these warm Spring days, try Magic Hat’s Vinyl Spring Lager!

Summer – June 1 – August 31
This is self-explanatory, don’t you think?  Don’t tell me Summer doesn’t start until the 21st.  That’s crap.  I don’t really care what the planets are doing and where the sun is and all that scientific stuff.  All I know is that I’m hot when I’m outside, the air conditioning is on inside, and the local grocery store is stocking Pyramid Curve Ball Blonde Ale It’s Summer.

Autumn – September 1 – November 30
The kids in schools public and private are now back in class.  This is the first and most-important indication that Summer is now over.  Sure, it might still be warm out, but the leaves are just waiting for color change and eventual death by falling.  No one is taking vacations in September.  We are all back to work and getting ready to enjoy the greatest tradition of Autumn; football.  This is my favorite season of the year in Ohio.  It’s not too cold, the colors are beautiful, snuggling is no longer a sticky mess, and soon, The Great Lakes Brewing Company will release the new batch of Christmas Ale.  It doesn’t get much better.

Winter – December 1 – February 28 (or 29)
Ah yes, the season of ice, slush, sniffles and auto accidents!  The snow is in full force, and no one (except for our crazy children) really wants to go outside for any reason.  Wait, skiing is fun.  As is sledding if you do it right (that’s a whole different topic).  Oh, and ice skating.  And hockey.  Come to think of it, there are a lot of reasons to go outside during the winter.  Promise me something, though.  Be a man and use a snow shovel.  Do you really need to drop $500 on a snow blower?  Burn off the winter weight and get your lazy ass to the driveway.  And bring the kids.  I mean, why did you make them if they can’t help you with the chores?  And when you’re sitting in front of the fire later, watching football and munching on Combos and Ruffles with French Onion dip, be comforted in the fact that Spring will arrive less than two months after the Super Bowl.

And there you have it.  Could it be easier?  No more pondering the Vernal Equinox.  No more concern over when the Winter Solstice might take place.  Four simple seasons, well-defined, simple to remember, and hey, they make sense.

Now go forth and pass this along to friends and family.  Never mind the confused looks of derision you might receive.  You know this is the way it should be, and that’s all that matters.

I have said before that I pick up pennies.  I do.  Parking lots, the floor at the mall, on the ground while taking a walk . . . discarded pennies are everywhere.  It seems that we stopped caring about the penny long ago.  Poor neglected penny.  I have been known to give these copper orphans a nice home whenever possible.  In fact, my son and I sometimes go places just to find change on the ground.  No wonder the dollar is declining; people enjoy throwing money away.

Speaking of change and throwing money away, there is a very strange breed of individual emerging.  Imagine this–there are actually people who save and collect all of their pennies and change “for a rainy day” in an old container of some type.  (Pickle jars work nicely.)  But when that rainy day comes, these misguided souls give away nearly ten percent of their mad money for no good reason.   Poof! It’s gone.  Just like that.  Who are these crazy people you ask?

These are the people who bring massive amounts of change to the local grocery store to dump it into the money-grubbing green monster known as the Coinstar.

As an avid metal detectorist, I find hundreds of dollars in change every year.  I’m not kidding.  Tons of pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and even the occasional dollar coin.  And after cleaning the coins, I dump them in my own version of the pickle jar.  It’s an antique glass jar with a glass lid atop which I’ve nestled (OK, I had to jam it on there) a miniature Miami Dolphins helmet.   This jar is also where I deposit all of those pennies and other assorted coins I find neglected all over town.  Oh, and every few weeks, I take a bunch of change out of the little change container I keep in my car and dump it into the Dolphins jar as well.  And it adds up.

Believe me.  It really adds up.

The first time I emptied this jar, rolled the coins, took them to the bank for cash and went out to buy something, I came home with a Sony DVD player (a big deal back then).  Since then, I have made purchases from large to tiny from this “found money”, and it has been a delight.  In fact, my son spent his own pickle money on an xBox 360 last fall.  Of course, he didn’t give away ten percent of it either.

Is it so difficult to roll your coins and take them to the bank?  Really?  Does it make sense to dump massive amounts of change (amounts of which, I might add, the total value is completely unknown to you) into a machine that counts it for you then spits out the green?  Does it make sense to a) trust the machine to give you a completely accurate count, and b) to let this machine take 9.8% off the top before giving you a more portable form of your orphaned coins?  That’s right, I said 9.8 %.  Just for counting your money!

About a month ago, I saw a middle aged man and his significant other wheel a grocery cart into the local store.  This cart was loaded to the top with small boxes.  It appeared that the man was struggling, so I assisted him in moving said cart.  Let me tell you, it was heavy!  Once in the store, he thanked me for the help, and proceeded to push this gargantuan load of little boxes right up to the Coinstar.  He then started to pour change out of these boxes, one-by-one, into the hopper of the machine.

Well, I wasn’t about to stand there and watch the entire process, fascinating as it was.  I went about my business of picking up dog food and beer.  When I checked out, the man was barely a third of the way through his box dumping.  In my best estimation, he had literally thousands of dollars in change piled into this cart.  Yes folks, he struggled to make his way to the grocery store, load up the cart with his change boxes, then unload the cart into this coin-hungry beast.  And his reward for all of this work?  He gets to leave the store with 90.2% of the money he came in with.  Brilliant!

Listen, don’t be stupid.  Roll your change and take it to the bank.  Even if it takes a week or a month to organize (and count) your massive collection, it’s the best method.  Unlike the kids who like to feed stale bread to the carp at the park, your time will be well-spent.  Not only will you know exactly how much money you have, but you will leave the bank with all of it.

That 9.8% you saved by not letting a machine do your work for you might be enough for a six-pack, a steak dinner or even that new Garmin Nuvi you’ve had your eye on.  Think about that next time you see some poor, unwashed creature throwing his money away at the Coinstar.  Oh, and after he leaves, check the floor around the machine.  Chances are,  you’ll be walking out with a free pack of gum.